My Night of the Long Knives

I arrived at seven and was home by ten thirty Didn’t know it yet I’d soon feel lost deranged and dirty The demon allowed me to sleep til 3 Then roared and flung up the mattress and me I was dying I’ve been dying for a year and a half My night of hell and… Continue reading My Night of the Long Knives

Show’s Over

Who is speaking to you? The words leave my lips but who formed them? Don't presume it's me and if you can't begin to understand that perhaps I need not talk to you anymore There are three of me all battling for the floor It is deeper than a mood change I have no control… Continue reading Show’s Over

Rainbow in the Storm

You will never get near stigma's end if we don't include those who are on the receiving end. No more empty gestures that tick boxes Asking me where my stress ends and my diagnosis begins is proof that stigma is alive or well. Like a rainbow of hell in a storm

Survival of a disappointed Life pt. 2

The man attempts to make sense of his forty-odd years of graft in 18 black bin bags. Type without the yellow drawstring. A deliberate last act of 'fuck you' because they are so hard to carry. Every emotion the man ever had are evident in those bags. Long decisions at clothes rails in department stores… Continue reading Survival of a disappointed Life pt. 2

Sometimes I wonder how much life can throw at you in one day Covid, a stroke, a relationship break up and another trip to hospital for your 15 month daughter.l Life’s arrow-mum, dad and two daughters I can’t process this whilst negotiating my lithium and the rest One ball knocked all my loved ones down

Survival of a disappointing life pt 1

I can only survive in silence I can see what I’m doing A good day is only when your happy A roll of the dice is for you I know why this is the case It’s learned behavior from home Something I had to do in childhood And failed in adolescence She could never be… Continue reading Survival of a disappointing life pt 1

A Saving Grace

You can learn more about yourself on a nothing week than you can imagine. Life throws up storms to test you to see how determined you are, and how focused and sincere you are. Sand in your eyes is just temporary. The drama is of no significance the tears from a crocodile are dry before… Continue reading A Saving Grace

Walls

Retreating behind the wall you have had to build through Grafitti, you write about the pain you are feeling but are too untrusting to share with anyone. The words help and turmoil have been written with my nails. The narrative has to change if it was me reading the signs..........

Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that was so real that you believe it is part of your life part of your narrative? Then add into the mix general anesthesia (hernia) and you may come up with something like this. I was pregnant and I was going to my 12-week scan and I hoped to… Continue reading Dreams

Lost

An unremarkable day half lost in thought the rest in exhaustion I know the answers I just lack the motivation, desire and ambition to lift myself up again. So, in reality I have nothing to work with. Time washes over me like a rock in a stream until I wake and wonder where the time… Continue reading Lost

Found

Like waking from an anesthetic I am glad to be alive breathing, previous fears melting away love filling my lungs gratitude in my ears life pumping my heart. I have found my way back from the wilderness a place of derelict negative thoughts

WTF!

This post is a little different than my normal efforts. I find myself in another 'crisis' junction in my life living with bipolar. This time I feel aggrieved to be here because I shouted for professional intervention since May 2021. I need to get this out because from here I need to take another tack,… Continue reading WTF!

Breathless

An unremarkable day half lost in thought the other in exhaustion i know the answers i just lack the imagination desire and ambition to lift myself up again so in reality i have nothing to work with time washes over me like a rock in a stream until i wake and wonder where time went

Settle down

Rapid cycling is not a fun hour in the park. This is worse than anything I've previously experienced. I'm not in either camp long enough to settle. The euphoric glimpses are not with me long enough, to either warm me or destroy me. the lows are unsettling, they niggle me like a tattooist's irritation.

Hurtling Along

Futility surrounds me and frightens me Hope passes fleetingly but never long enough to grasp I always feel despondent after a high I only recognise an episode retrospectively when the darkness envelops When everything I held true in my mania comes crashing down around me

A resolution of sorts

I will not seek to conform to your 'societal' 'normal'. You don't see how laughable it is that we, souls with poor mental health, should seek refuge with the large swell of undiagnosed and unmedicated people on the wheel of life that overwhelmed us, and we left behind.

On it Goes

Overwhelmed It's surprising where ten seconds, of unchecked thoughts can lead you Numb You can't feel anything no matter how hard you try, how hard you drink, how hard you cry. Panic In ordinary places, I'm screaming inside until my throat is raw, I've become all talk and my soul is sore.

Nothingness

My head won't work but no one outwardly sees it I need some seconds to process what's been saidFeeling panic rise in my chestMy parched mouth ringingIn my amygdala.'I'm never going to swallow again'.I need to ordain myself in a lanyardTo be understood.All the colours have been takenThere are none left for usI wish my… Continue reading Nothingness

TRFC

The most insidious thing about anxiety is it tears you from everything you love. It isolates you and you convince yourself, or misbelieve, it is good to be alone. Everything you enjoyed previously goes. In my case, it even stopped me from listening to music in my own home because of the memories, and the… Continue reading TRFC

His Shadow

Memories are so clear, vivid and real I can’t imagine a time when I did not feel A burning sensation deep down inside Of a love that I had, I no longer hide I lived longer without him than I did with All precious times, gladly to give To have him return whatever the cost… Continue reading His Shadow

Gorgeous Sexy Woman

I love everything that we sharethe intimacy, the longing, the yearning.Your laughter fills me with hopeYour sincerity enables me to copeYour insight into my past. Your sadness helps me. Your understanding caressesThe very few words are enoughI hope one day I can be enough.That is all I want from you. You!To guide me to my… Continue reading Gorgeous Sexy Woman

Labour Pain

How they cease to be of any relevance so quickly is the question that is not considered by those sifting through the debris Held back by poor headlines Gulf war, no money left, banking crisis spin, spin, spin. This country has no appetite for socialism, sadly. the white van man rules. it would have helped… Continue reading Labour Pain

Follow the Sea

                                                              Follow the masses all serving themselves, with greedy thoughts. They never pause, stop or think The system stinks They run a race the sea crashes Against the rocks The tide comes in the tide goes out Another life……..

Meds

You don't wake up, well not for a while. Every morning on automatic pilot, no amounts of coffee will see me right. The fog never fully lifts, by the end of the day a light mist still shrouds me. Inside is a man begging to be let out. To be set free. Not shackled to… Continue reading Meds

Disfellowshipped

The ambience I had etched out in the park The universes garden was destroyed The peddling of evil in the form of leaflets How the irony, soldiers of destruction (Jehovah's Witnesses) I disregarded their leaflets, telling every one of them I am happily disfellowshipped Each looks away; masks slipped, apologies For my plight I skip… Continue reading Disfellowshipped

Again

If only the echoes in my mind And the ghost of lives past Could you leave me just for a day The dark skies no longer cast The shadows make me look rather Intimidated as I grope about In my unbearable time here Nothing is easy. I could scream About wasting my life and time… Continue reading Again

Dusk

                                                               Dusk Town was buzzing the band was playing people everywhere smiling it was good to see The only dead-pan looks  on the faces From the homeless and the Jehovah’s Witnesses I watched the people go by from the comfort of the cafe my camomile tea my only companion No rush to leave I go… Continue reading Dusk

Asylum

                                             Asylum So I’m leaving hotel Asylum The budget won’t stretch no more Bags are packed, arrangements made It’s time to walk out the door What lies ahead now I’ve rested my mind? You know I’m not sure Don’t know who I am anymore Will they find a cure? The clock is ticking, the TV.… Continue reading Asylum

Art Culture and More

The beautiful timbre of the local tongue Walking through corridors saturated In the 15th century, buildings and culture Breathing deeply in, immersing myself Being tortured by men with selfie sticks Or worse, men running around the square With prams, alongside goats, a festival The Uffizi offered room after room Of religious iconography. The faces all… Continue reading Art Culture and More

Moment of Clarity

In the park at midday You had just rolled out Another one for me to recoil at I realised then what your About (a turd rolled in glitter)  Years of ignorance Because I now get it Your whole pleasure is Canning me. Watching as I suffer in pain But then you leave me When I’m… Continue reading Moment of Clarity

No Room At The Inn

Part of my job puts me in front of people, who like me, suffer with their mental health and I try to pass on in workshops the strategies I use that have helped me enormously over the last nine years since I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I teach about how there is an onus… Continue reading No Room At The Inn

We Turned Away

If it was because we could not bear to look that would be one thing We didn't look because we didn't care. It wasn't for us to get involved. Apparently When I look I see my son, my daughters. I see my mother wading through debris I see my father inconsolable for his loss. I… Continue reading We Turned Away

Good Therapy

                                                       My every thought takes me forward and back The pain of the past, trepidation in the future It is what makes the now disappear The philosophies, to grab the cognitive To psychoanalyse, to pray. To hope Just to know it will be alright Round and round I can go desperate to grab my pills,… Continue reading Good Therapy

Life is good.

Have you read or watched ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne? The formula for attracting things to your life? Of course you have. Does it work? I read the book in early 2013 and loved the philosophy. That was it then in 2014 I made a list of the things I wanted and needed in my… Continue reading Life is good.

Much more than a dog

A sideshow to my mental health diagnosis in 2011 was my Boxer dog, Max. Max and I enjoyed a great relationship. He was the first dog that I had since leaving home. He came everywhere with me even to work, so when things began to spiral out of control, I did the unthinkable. I found… Continue reading Much more than a dog

Waking up

I don't know when I first lost my marbles. I think rather than the whole bag going overnight, perhaps I lost them gradually over the years. Looking back, I don't think I was ever well, over 24 yrs before I was eventually rescued. They never gave me my marbles back, but I have gradually found… Continue reading Waking up

A New Beginning

I have been on the eternal search to find something, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on exactly what that is. Was it the truth, the meaning of life, God, peace? This search has taken me everywhere on my life journey. I have read many books, joined and left a cult, and… Continue reading A New Beginning

Adrenaline

exhausted difficult to see a change feel my age feel mentally falling away no control over anything unable to catch the day and physically I'm on a twenty four hours rollercoaster. The fun has gone after 5 minutes the rest is hell

Lingerie

I fall in love with you all over again the delicate fabric holds perfectly, every inch of you that I hold dear Had I stopped seeing it? I think not. Yet it screamed at me as you negotiated the two buttons that guard underneath you. A special place The garment accentuates your beauty you hold… Continue reading Lingerie