It started when I was asked to do some research on New Year’s Resolutions for our coffee morning group. I was surprised by some of the research which suggested that by the beginning of July 46% of Resolutions were still in place. When I looked further the big Resolution’s where the ones that had fell by the wayside for example: losing weight, smoking, alcohol, getting fit. The nicer resolutions like reading more, spending more time as a family and getting more creative overwhelmingly stayed.

As I approach my tenth year diagnosed with a severe and enduring mental health ‘problem’ I often find myself searching for whatever it is I feel is missing from my life. I have been like this for 30 years, so I did well enough undiagnosed. During the last 9 years I have read a lot and watched a lot and can find inspiration from a variety of sources. As I have paid for this website to put some of my writing in the public domain, I researched how to get more traffic to my page. I was horrified to read about optimisation, social media pages and generally having to be cool.

So, I have decided to keep this website as it is something just for me. You see the thing with my mental health is a lot of the time I can be ok. Ironically, I then need to try and come of my medication, I need an hour for every minute and an incessant need to get back to work. In short, I can walk on water. My research on happiness in the past has led me into a cult, and out of it, a love affair with marijuana [advisable when curing spiritual pain] to settling on having no money in my life, to trying everything I can to attract it. I read, I watch, I am, me.

Then there are times when I’m not great, I’m fatigued, I go through some physical changes have my hair shaven, so I don’t have to either live under a hat or worse I have to do my hair. I don’t shave. When I look back, I have stopped exercising months ago, and I have become reserved and I write desperate poetry. I do have strategies to combat times like this, results of more research.

The problem between the good and the bad is when I’m at the polar-opposite I forget just what it feels like to be over there and visa versa. The biggest regret I always have when I am well is I have the audacity to think that ‘I’ve cracked it, I’m well now, forever’. Especially when I feel or rather subjected too massive servings of anxiety and there is no reason for it.

So here I am again about to hit google for advice and I ‘ve decided to try and inspire myself, to figure out myself what to do next, how to live my big plan, whether to be rich or poor, work or not. I will write about this experience this time not with crap poetry but in prose and see where it takes me. I may share that journey. We’ll see as Im very prone to change my mind.

Photo by Sharon Munroe

I turned to writing for therapy after a long period of ill-health. I have just returned to work. I am a researcher, writer, and Mental Health Advocate.

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