I have been on the eternal search to find something, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on exactly what that is. Was it the truth, the meaning of life, God, peace? This search has taken me everywhere on my life journey. I have read many books, joined and left a cult, and looked at different philosophies. I have often wondered if the answer, in the end, would be worth the yearning within me; would I be disappointed in discovery? If I found the solution, that part of me had gotten so used to the endless search would i subconsciously miss it from my life?
Having found the answer early January 2021 and then discovering I had the answer all along was well beyond words. There is no void just every time I think about it; I have that ‘oh my god’ excitement.
It changes everything. I know it is early doors; it is like my mind has been rewired positively after a life of negativity. I have found the energy I have used during all those years searching, is now concentrated on my discovery. My reading requirements are now re-focused. The new habits that have come from this have made a significant difference in my life already. The second thing is my thought process automatically thinks it is in a pre-discovery mode, and a moment later, I remind myself ‘no, it isn’t like this anymore’. I can turn years of negative thinking, low self-esteem and the barrage of embarrassing moments in life that I seemed to relive constantly as though a third person was reminding me of them, into something positive immediately. So while it is early doors do you know the difference this can make? When your amygdala fires multiple times a day, leaving you feeling like you are on a rollercoaster and sometimes, often, just one of those occasions can send you spiralling down into a period of low mood as though it came from nowhere. I used to think it was just like the weather how you would have a week of wall to wall sunshine and then all of a sudden you get up and its pouring down. Weather fronts change, but we have the technology to predict pretty well the weather changes. I would work hard to monitor my mood with mood diaries, journals, keeping busy, reading positive things, playing the guitar anything that kept me upbeat. They did work, and I still use most of them because I enjoy them. I can now instantly stop the spiralling and the firing amygdala almost as soon as it starts. All the things that bothered me so much disappear immediately after a one week of concentrated effort in applying this new information.
So what is it? Not so fast. First, I need to say that I was already coming out of the fog by reducing my medication with my health professional’s help. You know when it is the right time to do this. There is always the worry that it is the medication making you well, but equally, it is the worry it can hold you back. We are all different; it is essential to remember. I will not threaten anyone’s journey by making them feel inferior in any way because they need medication and I don’t because I have felt like that many times in the group sessions they encourage you to go to. Anyhow, I have not stopped all my medication. I still take my lithium because I feel I would have been foolish to stop everything at once. I reduced one over 3-4 months under medical guidance because it was an anti-psychotic and the anti-depressant I stopped sometime later. I will see how this goes for another six months before I discuss the lithium with my Doctor. It doesn’t matter 90% of my hang-ups ended with this change.
I feel freer than ever, even before my Bi-Polar diagnosis, which I got ten years ago. I have been on all that combination for nine years, and the medication helped enormously at first. I will talk about this in another post, along with how I reacted to my diagnosis. I think the timing is everything. The journey you and I are on what we go through, endure for the hope of something new and better, is, in hindsight for me worth the wait. My wish is for everyone to find their right path. It would help if you were open to it, and for years I was closed like a withering flower.